have a joke

Psihotherapist

2009-06-04T15:03:00.000-07:00

New Joke
A psychotherapist, starting from scratch, was having such success in his business that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.
But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he began to understand why!

The boy found a small wooden board so he had to split the word in 3 places.

The sign read:

Psycho-
the-
rapist.

Hope you enjoy it ;)

comp jokes

2009-06-03T05:49:00.000-07:00

New Joke

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."

Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

Some computer jokes

2009-06-03T05:47:00.000-07:00

New Joke
486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."

Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

very short joke

2009-06-01T09:56:00.001-07:00

New Joke
Joke
hahaha

ralph and the mafia

2009-05-30T09:44:00.000-07:00

New Joke
Try joining the Mafia
This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting anywhere, and seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine three piece suits and fancy cars, decides that he has to join the Mafia.

He goes up to one of the guys and says, " I want to join the Mafia."

The guy answers, " You ever kill any one for money?"

Artie answers, "No."

The guy says, " Well, you either got to be born into the mafia, or you gotta kill somebody for money."

So Artie says, " How much will you pay me?"

The guy says, " I'm not gonna pay you."

Artie says, " C'mon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in."

The guy says, " Okay, I'll tell you what. You kill somebody, tell me about it, and if I see it in the morning paper, I'll pay you a dollar."

Artie says, " Oh thank you, thank you!" and heads off on his mission. He goes to Ralphs Supermarket, sees an old lady pushing a cart, and decides that she's lived a full life, goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her to death.

The bag boy sees him, and chases after him. Artie realizes that he can't out run the bag boy, turns around, grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to death.

In the morning paper the headlines read, " ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPHS!"

mafia jokes

2009-05-30T04:27:00.000-07:00

New Joke
The Top 16 Signs You’re on a Mafia Hit List

16. Your waiter wails in anguish as he tosses you the menu from the kitchen.
15. Your plan to skim protection money was brilliant, unlike your informercial telling others how to do likewise.
14. AOL calls to tell you your ID has changed to Sammy The Weasel.
13. Breaks seem squishy, accelerator’s kinda stuck, and there’s a half-eaten cannoli in your ashtray.
12. Three days in a row, you’ve thrown the Don’s newspaper underneath the lawn sprinkler.
11. Late payment notice for that $33.5 million loan is pinned to the horse’s head in your golf cart.
10. When making fun of his hair, you didn’t realize that “Don” is not Mr. King’s name, it’s his title.
9. Much too late, you realize that your “Italian loafers” comment was misinterpreted.
8. “I’m afraid you’ve TP’d Mr. Sinatra’s estate for the last time, my friend.”
7. The sales guy at Thom McKann keeps steering you towards the Nike “Concrete Jordans.”
6. Tiny pieces of Jimmy Hoffa keep showing up in your salad.
5. The new Domino’s delivery guy is in his mid-50’s, and he is wearing a white suit with a black shirt.
4. The Witness Protection Program finds you a nice flat in Sicily.
3. The Don recommends you try the Fettucine Olestra.
2. Not only have you received the “kiss of death,” but also the “pat on the butt of death,” the “hand on your knee of death,” and now the “genital fondle of death.”

**And the number 1 sign You’re on a Mafia Hit List…

1. The prostitute’s head you found in your bed can only be the work of Tony “Hard of Hearing” Mancusa.

the bar tender

2009-05-27T06:56:00.000-07:00

New Joke
A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place.

The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you..."

The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me..."

The bar tender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist,here's his card, why don't you see him?"

The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank yous...

Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink.

The bartender says, "Okay, here you go... Wait! Weren't you that guy who.."

"Yes, And I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely cured."

"Well, that's great. This beer is on the house."

So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers and pisses on the bar.

"You bastard! I thought you said you were cured!"

"I am! It doesn't bother me anymore..."

TUTI FRUTTI

2009-05-25T07:55:00.000-07:00

New Joke
The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tutti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.

A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.

The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope.
They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people.

The Pope said, "Sure".

The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini, et Tutti Fruiti."

new one for you to enjoy

2009-05-25T03:54:00.000-07:00

New Joke
This guy goes into a "Ladys House' and gives the lady at the front desk $500 and tells her that he wants a woman that can handle him.

She replies, go down the hall and its the second door on the right.

He does and just as they get started she starts screaming from the pain. He then marches back to the front desk and tell the woman that he said he wanted a woman that could handle him.

She says, ok go down the hall and its the third door on the left.

He does and once again the woman starts screaming just as they get started. Then he goes back to the front desk and she says I know I know you want a women that can handle you.

She says, ok ok this time go all the way down the hall and down the stairs, there won't be any lights so just feel around til you hit something wet and stick it in.

He does this and just as they get started nothing happens there isn't any screaming. Well he thinks, finally, this could work.

As he gets into it he shouts "Oh yea, talk to me baby".

She replies "MOOOOOO"!

short, very short, just perfect to RT for your friends

2009-05-25T03:22:00.001-07:00

New Joke
Q: What's the quickest way to a man's heart?

A: Through his chest

Sunderland football club

2009-05-23T17:55:00.001-07:00

New Joke
Kevin Phillips walks into a sperm donor bank
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Phillips "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call your wife for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Phillips. The receptionist replies
"Well, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."

New jokes, on Doctors

2009-05-23T14:28:00.000-07:00

New Joke

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

Cannibal dinner

2009-05-23T14:13:00.000-07:00

New Joke
2 cannibals were having lunch. your wife makes great soups said 1 to the other. yes agreed the first, but i am going to miss her terribly

Nasty nasty Dog

2009-05-22T15:09:00.000-07:00

New Joke
Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways.

The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"

The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."

nice dog

2009-05-22T09:46:00.001-07:00

New Joke
A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his fuckin' ass."

Adult one

2009-05-22T09:18:00.000-07:00

New Joke
A teenager is walking downtown and a girl whispers to him, "Blowjob, five dollars". He gives her a strange look and keeps walking. Soon another girl does the same thing. Confused, he keeps walking. The first thing out of his mouth when he returned home was "Mom, what's a blowjob?". His mom replies "Five dollars, just like downtown!".

What's the meaniest animal

2009-05-22T05:26:00.000-07:00

New Joke

3 elderly gentlemen were sitting on a park bench discussing what the meanest animal in the world was.

The first said, "The meanest animal in the world is a Hippopotamus, cause it's got such big jowls. One bite and your gone."

The second shook his head and said "Nah, hippo may be mean, but ain't nothing meaner than an alligator. He got a big mouth and all them teeth, snap ?, one bite, ha, one swallow, you gone."

The third gentleman sat for a moment, and finally he spoke and said, " No sir, the meanest aninmal in the world is a hippagator."

The other two in disbelief inquired as to what in the world is a hippagator, believing there was no such animal.

The gentleman slowly began to explain, " A hippagator got a hippo head on one end, and an 'gator head on the other"

"WAIT ! interrupted the others, "If he has a head on both ends, How does he shit ?"

The reply was simply," He don't, that's what makes him so mean".

The gift for the mother

2009-05-21T12:29:00.000-07:00

New Joke
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Million," she wrote the first son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Marvin," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious."

Irish old Joke

2009-05-21T07:40:00.000-07:00

New Joke
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "So am I! Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I went to St. Mary's, of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!"

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shakes his head, and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

Irish and Vikings

2009-05-21T05:40:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a season when neither the Irish nor the Vikings made the post season playoffs. It seemed so unusual that the management of both teams got together and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the two teams because of their great rivalry. So, they decided on a week-long ice fishing competition. The team that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win.

So on a cold northern Ireland lake, they began their contest.

The first day after eight hours of fishing, the Vikings caught 100 fish and the Irish caught 0. At the end of the second day, the Vikings caught 200 fish and the Irish 0.

That evening the Irish coach got his team together and said, "I suspect some kind of cheating is taking place." So the next morning he dressed one of his players in purple and gold and sent him over to the Viking camp to act as a spy. At the end of the day the player came back to report to the coach. The coach asked, "Well, how about it? Are they cheating?"

"They sure are!" the player reported. "They're cutting holes in the ice."

Cannibal dinner

2009-05-21T03:39:00.000-07:00

Two cannibals were sitting around the campfire talking. One of the cannibals said, "You know, I just don't like my brother-in-law."

To which the other replied, "Then just eat the noodles."

Disclaimer: This is a joke.
The men diplayed in the picture does not necesarily associate with any canibalism practices. The image is used for entertainment purposes.

The substitute priest

2009-05-20T21:04:00.000-07:00

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi was concerned that he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest go into the confessional together.

In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned.

The priest asks, "What did you do?"

The woman says, "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."

A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest: "What did you do?"

Man: "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Man: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin
no more."

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

Rabbi: "What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery."

Rabbi: "How many times?"

Woman: "Once."

Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."

2009-05-20T20:53:00.001-07:00

hey there :)
Now I have a shop :P
see if u like it :)
http://astore.amazon.com/havajok-20

Short, funny jokes

2009-05-20T07:12:00.000-07:00

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter... he won't come to you anyway!
****
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.

****

Men are like coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night long.

2009-05-20T02:59:00.000-07:00

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

2009-05-18T15:03:00.000-07:00

About Eurovison in Moskow:
"With a combination of cheap vodka and a language barrier what could possibly go wrong?"
Ultra-camp TV presenter Graham Norton.

2009-05-18T12:33:00.000-07:00

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes," said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a stupid name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot would name a parrot Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

2009-05-18T03:44:00.001-07:00

Bad Day

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grandpa."

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.

A month later the father heard his son saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation.

One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."

This nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."

"You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

One century old jokes, History jokes

2009-05-17T14:59:00.000-07:00

Why is the most discontented man, the most easily satisfied?
Nothing satisfies him.

2009-05-15T17:12:00.000-07:00

Q: What is the most dangerous thing in Washington D.C.?

A: An intern with a chipped tooth.

New jokes at have a joke

2009-05-12T17:26:00.000-07:00

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

What did God say when he created Adam?
I can do better than this.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

2009-05-12T16:37:00.001-07:00

Q: What’s the difference between Investment Bankers and London Pigeons?
A: The Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW’s.

2009-05-12T16:30:00.001-07:00

Q: What’s the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four

2009-05-12T13:56:00.000-07:00

Q: Why do you take your wife to night clubs only?
A: By the time she gets ready no other place is open.

how to use AXE :D

2009-05-11T06:32:00.000-07:00

I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled of.

2009-05-11T05:53:00.001-07:00

You’re Drinking Too Much Coffee When:

You ski uphill.

You speed walk in your sleep.

You answer the door before people knock.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You just completed your third sweater today, and you don’t know how to knit.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you’re standing still is in an earthquake.

You lick your coffee pot clean.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.

You don’t sweat, you percolate.

People get dizzy just watching you.

People can test their batteries in your ears.

Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

Your Thermos is on wheels.

You can outlast the Energizer Bunny.

You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.

You don’t tan, you roast.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”

Houmor on job in crisis

2009-05-11T04:07:00.000-07:00

Boss: (too emplyee) "humour on the job relieve tension in this time of crisis Knock, knock.
E.: Who's there?
B: Not you anymore.

2009-05-11T03:58:00.000-07:00

Why do elephants paint thier testicles red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A Monkey eating cherries.

2009-05-11T03:40:00.000-07:00

Here you will find short jokes I like ...